but i like it that way. i am happy being a nerd. and i am proud of myself for being, finally, truly, reasonably comfortable in my own skin. i say reasonably because of course, i'm a twenty-first-century female with all of our inherent insecurities. (and really, the only reason i am comfortable writing about myself being a nerd is because i am deep-down-inside confident that i'm not REALLY a nerd. if i were, or if i really thought i were, i'd be too insecure to write about it. but that's besides the point.)
i was thinking the other day about how i used to feel about myself in high school--and worse, middle school. i remember painful, PAINFUL hours spent during PE being self-conscious about my legs being hairy because my mom thought i was too young to shave my legs. (remember that, mom? it was painful for my eleven-year-old self.) and then later, even more painful hours when i would forget to shave my legs once i was allowed to do it.
i remember being so embarrassed because my socks were showing. and because my shoelaces wouldn't stay tucked inside my shoes and would come out. and because my pants were a quarter-inch too short and looked like floods. and because my shoes weren't etnies and my shirts weren't from tilly's and my jeans weren't roxy. because i sat on the wrong side of the lunch area and didn't talk to boys. because i had braces later than everyone else. because after i had a huge fever my freshman year i got a fever blister on my face for a few weeks and it scarred (my face and my feelings). and because my hair was frizzier and curlier than everyone else's (i especially loved it when people would tell me, "i would kill myself if i had your hair." why, thank you! how kind.) because i was convinced my deodorant wasn't working or because my legs were too fat. because i wasn't wearing the right type of underwear and didn't pull my hair back in the right way.
how grateful i am to be PAST that stage! where i can sit and reminisce without bitterness (even about the hair comments) about those things that were so incredibly painful then. and wonder--why did i CARE so much? if my middle-school self could have seen what i would be like now, i'm sure i would have been astonished by what a nerd i am--and how much it doesn't bother me. i own basically 1.5 pairs of shoes, my hair is still frizzy and fluffy, and my legs are in an almost constant state of hairiness. and i could care less about it. i'm even blogging about it.
so there, sierra vista middle school. I HAVE GROWN PAST YOU.
i'm probably way less cool than i was back then--wait, no. i think way less about being cool than i did back then, but i love myself a whole lot more.
5 comments:
Wow, I feel like I was reading this from my own middle school journal, hairy legs and all (gotta love our mamas). It's sad what we put ourselves through in middle school...if only we knew then what we know now.
: )
true story- my first day of m.s. i slipped down walking in the cafeteria in front of all of the 8th graders...fell right on my butt. it was a great start to the year.
I think the trick is how to really make those middle schoolers believe this about themselves! You (and I) will be killing yourself trying to make your own daughters believe this someday.
AHHHHH! I hope you realize now how beautiful and wonderful and talented and amazing you are! I wish I could have read your feelings back them, but not sure I could have changed how you felt. I was just telling someone today how hard the world is on girls and how they feel about themselves. Unless you have a daughter or have been a YW recently, it is difficult to explain. I am so glad that you see your real value now and I hope you know your hair is awesome.
Wow that pretty much sums me in middle school up... except my hair is not curly. And yeah I would kill to have your hair. And I only shave my legs like twice a month, so we're in the same boat hahaha. Isn't it awesome to be comfortable with ourselves now? I remember being so horrified that we didn't have the cool brands, but looking back they were only cool for like a year. You hardly see anyone wear "hurley" or "roxy" brands anymore... And besides. Now that we know how to be confident we can teach Bethany how to not care so much about what other girls think. Good thing she's more mature than the two of us back then combined.
Did Mom really not let you shave your legs in middle school? She let me start the night before 7th grade, because in 6th grade I got in trouble for shaving my arms (badly, of course. That's how I got caught.... with cuts all over my arms).
haha camille, they weren't saying they would kill to have my hair, they were saying they would kill THEMSELVES if they had my hair. very different meanings. but thanks.
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