White Privilege

Let me tell you a story.

When we lived in Durham, I visit taught a woman named Alice (not her real name).

(Visiting and home teaching, for anyone not familiar out there, is something Mormons do to help people individually. Everyone is assigned someone else to take care of, visit, and help when necessary. It's to make sure nobody slips through the cracks if they need help.)

Alice lived in the part of Durham that the sister missionaries weren't allowed to go to. Alice was black, in her mid-thirties, and pregnant with her fifth child when I first met her, with two teenage daughters and two young kids. Alice wasn't married but had a boyfriend who lived with her and fathered her youngest three kids. Her cell phone number changed every few months as her minutes would run out and she'd get a different phone for it. Her apartment was pretty nice but very dirty and cluttered, and she mentioned that the landowners were trying to evict her because of a fire they had in the kitchen. It was pretty likely that there were drugs involved for her and her boyfriend.

The first time I went over there, I told her we were visiting from her church and she didn't have any idea which church I was talking about--and still didn't remember being in the LDS church after I explained it to her. She didn't remember anything about LDS doctrines or care, really. She would always invite us in but didn't ever have much to say or ask us to do anything. I would ask if we could help with anything, and I brought dinner to her after her baby was born. I didn't know what else to do for her. But she never really connected with us.

A few months later, Alice was arrested (and only held overnight) for having tampered with her water meter and racking up over $11,000 in charges without paying her bills over the last seven or eight years. The one and only time Alice ever called me was when she called to ask if I would give her thousands of dollars to pay her water bill. I told her to talk to the bishop for help, but I don't know if anything ever came of that. Soon after that, she was kicked out of her apartment and moved into an extra bedroom in someone's house, with all five of her kids, and soon after that, her phone number changed again and I had no way to contact her.

Alice had a hard life. I don't know if she worked or what she did with her days, and I don't know what her boyfriend did. I don't know what her background was or where and how she grew up. I honestly don't know anything about how she came to where she was. But it was obvious that their lives were not filled with joy and that they were not given the same opportunities that I enjoyed. And the thing that killed me--and still does when I think about it--was Alice's young kids growing up in that environment. They were so sweet and filled with chatter and excitement when we would come by. And how, how will they not grow up to follow in their mother's footsteps, when that is all they know? How do you break the cycle of negativity and bad choices for those little kids, who are growing up being shifted around from some spare room to another because their parents can't afford a place and keep getting kicked out of the ones they live in? Why are babies born into families and situations like that? Why does our society allow for such a huge disparity between the lives of Alice and myself?

I still don't know. It still makes me want to cry. I was (and am) incredibly naive and sheltered in so many ways, but Alice--and her sweet kids, who don't know any better than what they are given--opened my eyes to the suckiness of the world and the ridiculous privilege that I have been granted being born where, who, and when I was.

And that is how I feel about what is happening in Ferguson.

Daney boy

Yesterday, Dane woke up from his nap, and was calling for me to come get him. So I went in there and the first thing he said was, "Mom, I can't find my wallet!" (No, he does not have a wallet. He does know what they are, from playing with ours. Hahaha.)

Last night during dinner, Dane spilled his milk and then told Tommy, "Dad, you go get paper towel to clean up milk spilled over the table." I think he's getting the whole sentence construction thing.

He LOOOVES to chase after the bunnies that hide in our bushes outside our apartment. This morning we walked out and he was disappointed that there weren't any bunnies out. He yelled at the top of his lungs, "HEY BUNNIES! WAKE UP! DON'T BE SLEEPING TOO LONG IN THE BUSHES!" Hahahaha. He is so funny.

He likes to say that things are "so tasty!" Drinking juice--"So tasty!" Eating pastries--"So tasty!" Pretty cute.

Homebuying

Tommy and I were just saying last night that our lives have recently been filled with every sort of grown-up major decision that you could possibly imagine. All of those experiences that you read on "most stressful things you can go through"--we've done ALL of them in the last six months, or we're about to do them. We moved across the country, Tommy started his first out-of-school job, we're having to make grown-up decisions about health insurance and FSAs and budgeting, we're having a baby, and we're buying a house. BUYING A HOUSE! 

This is it!

This was pretty unexpected for us. We were not planning on starting to look for houses for quite some time; we figured that it'd be nice to buy before the baby comes but we'd probably not start looking until after the holidays. However, things have not been ideal in our current living situation. There is really NOTHING major to complain about, but tons of little things that drive us (mostly me) nuts and have made me long for the good old days of Century Creek/Encore at the Park apartments in Durham. We have loud neighbors above us (they are thundering around as I type this), which interferes with Dane's (and my) naps--a CARDINAL SIN in my book. We are never able to find parking near our building and I have to drag groceries in from across the parking lot with Dane in tow. Our water heater is only about 10 gallons and you can't even fill up the bathtub without running out of hot water. They've given us warnings about not allowing Dane's toys on our patio (seriously!?). See? NONE of these are that big of a deal; I know that they are total first-world problems. However, they have seriously affected my happiness level while living here the last few months. 

So one night a while ago, Dane was still awake at 9 p.m. in his crib because the crazy children upstairs were thumping directly above him for hours straight, and I looked at Tommy and said, "WE HAVE TO MOVE. I HATE THIS PLACE." So we started looking at Zillow (which we had been doing sporadically anyways), and ended up quickly finding a realtor and one thing led to another--and by the time my mom came out we had a few appointments to go look at houses. And we found a few that we liked, but then one popped up in the neighborhood down the street from our apartment complex, just down the street from the park that Dane and I already love to go to together. I immediately called our realtor and told her we wanted to see that one, and we saw it the day it came on the market. Not to go into too much detail and be even more boring than this already is, but we basically loved it and put in an offer and were fantastically lucky to get it. And now we are under contract for the house, closing in December, and are soooooo excited to move out of this apartment and into a house that we will have all to ourselves. 

This house is great for so many reasons. It's very well-taken-care-of, with hardly any work to do on it. It's got four bedrooms. It's one story, which I didn't care all that much about but the more I think about it the more excited I am to not have stairs to take care of or worry about with babies. It's much bigger than we need or deserve at this point, but we figure that if we live here for even just a few years, we'll have a few more kids and we'll need all the extra space that's a little unnecessary now. (We're hardly going to have enough furniture to fill up any of the space!) It's got a great-sized backyard (not huge, just normal) and a front driveway (which seems totally normal to everyone except for Frisco-ites, apparently). 

This whole homebuying process has been a doozy. Everything has gone MAGICALLY smoothly; there really has not been a hiccup with anything the whole time. However, we have spent so much time researching and second-guessing and debating and analyzing and worrying over this process. We feel so blessed (really, there's no other word) to be in our situation, but also guilty that we've had so much help to get us to this point and that this is a nicer house than we deserve at this point in our lives. But things are the way they are and we are grateful that we are able to even look at houses, much less buy one right now.

There are so many things that I absolutely cannot wait for with moving into a house. Having a backyard, having no neighbors touching our walls, having a real kitchen space (see below), being right down the street from the park that we love. There are also things that are still intimidating about having a house, mostly the whole financial aspect of being overly terrified about spending too much or having to pay for major things breaking down. However, I think we've really hit that space of our lives, with soon to be two kids, where the benefits outweigh the negatives and we're really ready for that stage. We are READY and we are excited and it still feels weird to say, but in a month, we will be homeowners!

Halloween

I hit the jackpot a few weeks before Halloween when I went to Kid 2 Kid and found their Halloween costumes were 30% off. So I got Dane's Halloween costume for $4.50--BOOM! I was so pleased with myself. The only bummer thing was that he had acted super excited about being Elmo but became less so as the holiday got closer. We luckily were able to convince him that he would get candy if he wore his Elmo costume, so it all worked out and we got some adorable pictures (which is really the only reason kids get dressed up at this age anyways, right?). 

Our ward had a trunk or treat a week before Halloween, and Dane was THRILLED. We were also pretty excited to finally be able to participate in a trunk or treat instead of just handing out candy like we've done the last four years.

Tommy and I decided to go with the Sesame Street theme and get some t-shirts that matched Dane--Cookie Monster and Big Bird. Unfortunately, we ended up spending way more money on those dumb shirts than we did on Dane's costume, but it was still fun and Dane thought our shirts were awesome.

Dane figured out the deal pretty fast. He would say "trick or treat!" in the cutest voice and got a TON of candy. (Of which he had about 2 pieces and then we ate it ALL.)

We also carved a pumpkin together with Dane. He was super excited about it--at first.

I said, "Dane, look at the yucky guts!" and he yelled "Yucky guts! Yucky guts!" for the next 10 minutes. Then we taught him to say "I love your guts!" and he's been saying that to all our family when we skype with them.

Really interested in helping...

then watching...

and then losing interest altogether and playing with his trains.

The dad forced to do all the work by himself, slaving away.

 Everyone was really happy about the end product though! It looked great!

And then we took Dane trick-or-treating! He was so cute and loved it. We really weren't going all that long, and he walks so slow we didn't go to tons of houses (not like when we were in our prime) but still got a TON of candy.

Look at his haul! (Sorry, not sure why these pictures don't rotate.) And Dane really didn't eat all that much of it, haha. Once again, Mom and Dad ate it and Dane never even noticed.

I think Halloween is a way more fun holiday with kids. After you stop trick-or-treating yourself, Halloween is pretty lame for a lot of years--but it is so much fun doing everything with Dane. I just refuse to let the pressure of getting the most perfect and adorable family-themed handmade costumes get to me and we had a great time in our t-shirts and Elmo bodysuit.

Happy Halloween!

my mom came to visit!

We were so lucky to have my mom come to visit a few weeks ago. It's great having the only grandchild--it makes visitors want to come see us that much more! We didn't have too much planned for while she was here, but it ended up being a good time for her to be visiting for her to help us. The night before she got here, Dane was up throwing up all night. A few days later, Tommy and I both got sick and I especially was throwing up non-stop. So my mom saved the day by being here to keep things running! Unfortunately she ended up catching the bug after she'd already gone home, so we passed on more than was fair. With all that being sick, we didn't end up doing anything all that exciting. We did go see the Myres on Sunday afternoon (not pictured, of course) and we went to a pumpkin patch. We also tried to go to the Heard Museum, an outdoorsy kids museum, but it was closed, and we drove out to the LDS cannery to get some food storage, and IT was closed. We had some BAD luck while she was here visiting! But we still had fun in between times. 

We found this awesome pumpkin patch here in Frisco that was completely free and had a hayride and bounce houses and a little hay maze and all sorts of activities for the kids. I ended up taking Dane another time just because he had such a blast. 

It was about 90 degrees. It feels weird going to a pumpkin patch when it's so hot outside... doesn't feel right!

A big pumpkin and a little pumpkin!

Dane and my mom made some cookies one day while I was lying on the couch dying. They were dinosaur shaped and Dane just about died with happiness.

He wasn't very good about sharing, though; he wanted to do it all by himself. 

The other funny thing about this trip was that Dane was not very nice to my mom. She came and just wanted to spend time with him and us and he was just SO not excited to have someone else in his space and telling him what to do. If Tommy and I were gone, he'd be super nice to her, but when we were there, he'd say stuff like, "No talking, Grandma! I talk!" and "Go away, Grandma!" He threw a ton of tantrums and was all-around NAUGHTY while she was here and for the week afterwards. It drove me nuts, but of course Grandma understood. It also made me a little nervous because if he was annoyed with Grandma coming and taking away some of his attention, I can only imagine how crazy he's going to be after the baby is born. Ooooohhhh man. Not really looking forward to all of that acting out.

But we were so grateful that she came and I know Dane loved having her, deep down. Thanks for all of your help, mom. We LOVED seeing you!