Dane-er-rane

Dane is so very excited to have a baby sister. Unlike Graham, he fully understands what is going on and asks me all the time when his baby is going to get here. He tells me maybe four times a day, "Mom, look at your HUGE TUMMY! It is SO HUGE! Can you believe your tummy is so HUGE?" Haha. It is such a good self-esteem boost. He loves, loves, loves to come and give me a hug, and then give the baby a hug. He will talk to the baby through my tummy and say, "Good night, baby, I love you!"

Dane is a really good four-year-old. I remember someone telling me that four years was their favorite age, because kids still think that you're the best and they aren't going to school yet, but they can talk to you and don't throw tantrums any more. I am totally understanding that feeling. I love this boy and this age. He is so much fun. He loves doing things with me, and will come say, "Mom, I was just thinking that you want to do something fun with me." 

But he also is really good at entertaining himself--he spends two hours doing quiet time in the toy room every day during nap time. He occasionally has days where he comes out twelve times to ask when he can come out, but he usually is really good at staying in there and telling himself stories and playing with his cars and reading piles of books to himself. I love it. 

He has been coming up with these elaborate plans for things he wants to do lately, like a big Hot Wheels race party with all his friends and daddy, and it's really hard for him to understand why all of these big plans can't immediately come to fruition. Sorry, buddy. Maybe for your birthday. 

I just love this boy. He is so much fun. He is such a big helper and such a fun kid to be around. I am secretly happy that we have another year with him around before he goes to kindergarten--thank goodness he was born in September!

Grahammy Boy

Something funny about the last month of pregnancy for me: I go through this extended mourning period, in advance, about the life I'm about to lose when we add a new baby to our family. Every time. I cried a bunch of times in the week after Dane was born because I was sad that it would never just be me and Tommy again. I mourned our little family of three last time. And this time, I'm feeling tender about our little Graham losing his spot as King Baby and our nice life as a family of four. Of course, these sad feelings are co-existing with the excitement of having a new baby and the blinding LOVE I have (or will have) for that new baby, but it is hard to see the end of an era, even if it's for a good reason. 

Yesterday, Tommy was flying back to Texas after being out of town for a few days. I taught our Joy School in the morning and then planned to go to the gym in the afternoon and then maybe to the park to kill time until a late dinner so we didn't have too much time at home by ourselves. But Graham had other plans: he laid in his crib for over two hours, squawking and playing and not napping, and two minutes before I gave up on his nap and went in there to get him out, THEN finally fell asleep. At 3:00. There go our plans for the gym. 

So Dane and I worked on a 100-piece solar system puzzle together, which we both enjoy (I love doing puzzles) and then I went to get Graham up. He was cranky and disoriented for a while. But then the two boys went to play in the backyard while I made our sophisticated pancakes-and-eggs dinner . . . and it was like magic. They played happily in the sandbox for 45 minutes while I leisurely whipped up the batter and cooked all the pancakes. They played TOGETHER and were happy, and I opened a window to listen to their conversation. It was like one of those dreams come true, what you THINK parenting is going to be like, before you have actual toddlers that generally scream and cry the minute you say the word "dinner" and can't wait the 15 minutes it takes for dinner to actually get made (not naming any names here). 

I watched them out there and I felt so happy that everything was going so smoothly, especially on a night when Tommy wasn't going to be home for dinner (when usually we are short-tempered and dinner is a cranky affair). And at the same time, I kept thinking, "Why? Why now?" Why did it take us 23 months to get to this place, where they can play happily together and I don't need to be monitoring them constantly? And in just a few short weeks we are going to be putting an explosion in the middle of this cozy scene in the form of a newborn and a totally new routine and life that everyone has to adjust to?

It's just ironic. It's hard to appreciate the good times when I'm a little bit dreading the inevitable adjustment we will all be going through soon.

And this boy will be having to adjust the most. He is utterly ADORABLE. I wish I could snuggle him and kiss his cheeks all day long but he is completely independent and never, NEVER wants to be held. He understands almost everything we say to him, and responds by shaking or nodding his head, and communicates with his own language of sound effects and sign language and a very few select English words. I was just reading a friend's blog post about her kid who just turned 2 and speaks in complete sentences all the time. Ha! Graham probably says about 20 recognizable words still. But he can communicate very well with us without actually using words (which is probably part of the problem--he sees no reason to try and learn how to say more). He still has never said Dane's name (I think the long A sound is hard for him). He says Mommy, Daddy, Bubba (Bethany), Ani (Austin--just started this one), shoes, trash/trash truck, Mimi (reading books, after a book called Mimi), apple, cheese, please (sounding like "eeee"), baby, hi, teeth, bye-bye, kitty, digger, slide (by saying "whee!"), and does the signs for milk, more, and all done. What more does a boy need to say, really? 

And he just started blowing kisses. Be still my heart! When I ask him to blow his nose he blows out of his mouth, every time. Haha.

He is never happier than when Joy School is at our house and there are three big four-year-olds running around that he can follow. He truly thinks they are HIS friends there to see him. He loves, loves, loves playing outside, and any cranky afternoon can be solved by going on a walk down to the park. He is SUPER silly, and loves being chased and "eaten" by Mommy or Daddy and having roaring contests with Dane. His other favorite time of day is after baths, when he and Dane "escape" from Daddy and run around the house naked and then push each other down on Dane's bed. It's ridiculous but they both just die from laughter every single time. He wants me to read to him 900 books a day, and is always, always hungry. I need to bring snacks with me everywhere I go, which I used to be morally opposed to, but he's whittled down my opposition by his tantrums and screaming attacks (as with all parenting things ever).

He is still the world's biggest daddy's boy, but he has showed signs of wanting mommy more and more recently. A few times he has woken up during the night from a bad dream just WAILING for Mama. I love it. The minute I pick him up he calms down and snuggles right on my shoulder and goes back to sleep, just like I always want to hold him. Once Tommy went in to get him when he was calling for Mama, and he would not be consoled--just kept screaming and crying for Mama until I went in too and took him, and he was content. He's almost never done anything like that before, and I felt so honored.

Graham is more difficult than Dane was at this age. It's hard to know how much of this is because he is a second child and therefore my attention is divided, or how much of this is just his personality, or how much is just his language barrier (Dane was an excellent talker and therefore very easy to reason with from an early age). He sleeps badly at night and is hard to figure out in the day sometimes. But it's amazing how these things don't matter at all in my feelings towards him. I love him so much I could squeeze him all day long if he would let me. I think it's amazing that having a new baby doesn't split the amount of love you have from 1 kid to 2, or 2 kids to 3--it actually multiplies the love you have for all of your kids and makes you love them more. I never loved Dane as much as I did in the weeks after Graham was born. It's like the love you feel for the new baby gives you more love for everyone else. I already feel more and more tender towards this boy, even with his craziness, even before this new baby gets here. I want to apologize to him for the unexpected bombshell that is coming his way, but I know it is going to be so good for him and so happy for all of us in the long run.

Heart-eyes

I was in a massive, massive funk the last week. I felt so sad and stressed out for no logical reason--worried about the baby, worried about giving birth (I was 34 weeks, right around the time I start worrying the baby is going to come super early), worried about every (very normal) contraction I was feeling, tired, tired, tired beyond reason, and having a hard time vocalizing any of these concerns so I was stuck in this funk by myself. And every time the boys did anything normal but relatively vexing I got so frustrated. Not eating their lunch, fighting over one of our FIVE MILLION HOT WHEELS CARS (seriously, how can you keep both wanting the same ONE car???), whining because they wanted snacks--my patience was very, very thin and I had no reserves left to respond appropriately. There wasn't anything specifically wrong, but for some reason I couldn't bounce back to my normal level of happiness.

Things turned around this morning. I couldn't face another long morning at home and had nothing to do with the boys, so with a flash of brilliance I took them to an over-priced children's play museum where I could just sit and watch them have fun. And oh boy, did they have fun. I felt my emotionally bruised heart healing as I watched them run around delivering plastic vegetables to different houses in their wheelbarrows and taking off in their rocketship to the moon. I was enamored with how creative they were (okay, mostly Dane), pretending to create a gas station for the massive wooden trucks he was playing with and getting all the baby dolls dressed in different outfits. I remembered how much I LOVE them and how I think they are the cutest kids on the planet, and I felt so grateful that I get to be with them every day. It's hard to not take it for granted and to wish it were otherwise sometimes.

I also spent the afternoon reading some ancestors' stories. I am still working on my family history book, where I'm trying to compile and condense the stories of as many ancestors as I can for my kids. (It will literally be a never-ending project, I am realizing.) And those stories give me so much strength when I'm feeling weak. How can I think my life is hard when I compare it to the strong women who came before me? I look at my pioneer ancestors who crossed the plains, my Icelandic great-great-grandmothers who lost baby after baby, my great-grandmothers who raised their families on their own and without much money. Being a mother IS hard, but I come from hardy stock. My mom likes to remind us that her ancestors who were in the Martin handcart company came through without a scratch, and that the kids even thought of it as an adventure--none of them died or even suffered in that horrible tragedy. That's who I come from... so I can do hard things. And like a quote that I have on my wall from Little Women: "I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to steer my ship."

I can do hard things... like the last, interminable, stressful, worry-filled month before a baby comes. I can do it.

January pics

Like I said, we basically did nothing memorable in January. I took fewer pictures than I have in months, and I'm really relieved about it. There's still like 25 pictures on this post, but these are basically representative of the entire month.

These cute boys wearing their matching jackets from Great-Grandma Myres and looking super handsome!

Sometimes I can get Graham to let Dane "read" to him and it's such a relief. Graham is constantly dragging books over to me and begging (read: shrieking uncontrollably) until I sit down with him. Usually while I'm trying to make dinner.

We had one really cold day where it SNOWED! Just a dusting, but still. The boys really wanted to go out and jump on our trampoline, but it ended badly with Graham having a full-on meltdown after he got too cold and screaming for 20 minutes afterwards.

We finally took the plunge and got rid of the pacifier. I was worried sick about doing it and totally terrified because of how obsessed Graham was with it. TOTALLY OBSESSED. He was going to his bed twenty times a day and pulling it out to walk around with it. Plus, I was convinced it was causing his major sleeping problems--like, waking up every single night for HOURS and wailing. It was literally driving me mad. I was a raging hormonal angry person every night and it was not working. So we cut his pacifier off at the edge one night and he put it in his mouth and was very shocked and concerned. He kept pulling it out and pointing at it and saying, "Dat! Dat!" (Aka his word for EVERYTHING he can't say.) We told him, "Uh oh, it's broken, we need to put it in the trash." He thought about it, but couldn't actually do it. He cried for about 10 minutes the first night, then laid back down and went to sleep without any problem--and that's how it went for a week until we've all forgotten about it. HALLELUJAH. His sleeping has gotten a lot better (not totally fixed, but much better) and I am happy with him again. Good-bye, pacifier, and good riddance. 

Thinking about throwing his pacifier in the trash.

Dane got this enormous tiger from some people in our ward who were moving and giving away tons of free stuff. He fell in love with it and begged to bring it home. It's literally bigger than he is.

No words.

A manly moustache-wearing man just fixing our smoke detectors. 

Joy School! Their art project together, haha.

Graham has no idea that he's only 1. He totally thinks he is 4.

Dane LOVES it when Graham will come snuggle with him. Really, he does. He's always laying on the floor and saying, "Graham! Come sit on me! Graham!!"

Graham found our old Murphy calendar from 2016 and loved smiling at the pictures of our extended family in it.

We went to a Texas Legends game (the d-league basketball team located here in Frisco) and had an awesome time. We only stayed for the first half and everyone was thrilled.

We've signed Dane up for swim lessons for January, February, and March, and I'm hoping they're enough to help him get a little bit the hang of it. I'm not going to be able to take him later in the spring with the baby. He's making a lot of progress and it's cute to see how serious he is about listening to his teacher and trying really hard.

One morning Dane came out with all his stuffed animals and had big plans for a tea party he wanted to do with them. Complete with water and blueberries for everyone.

He wanted spikey hair one morning. Hahaha. Totally 90s style.

We got to do a NIGHT AWAY thanks to Kurt staying overnight with our boys for us. It was AMAZING how just a little bit of time away from home helped us relax and feel better about life (it was a very difficult week that week with Graham screaming about an ear infection). Tommy surprised me with a date to a painting studio. We had a lot of fun painting our masterpieces. 

The finished products. I sent this picture to my family and Austin said, "Of course Tommy painted a perfect masterpiece." So true. One of my cousins asked Tommy, "Is there anything you are bad at?" Obviously not painting. Ha!

Leaving the hotel and going to get some delicious brunch before heading home. Thank you to Kurt! It was amazing to sleep longer than 6 am and to just reset our minds a little bit. And this is our last chance for a while before baby girl comes.

More fun with Joy School. They spent their whole free play time out in the sandbox this day.

Graham says, "Hat!"

Storytime at the library. Graham lasts for only about half of it every time. But he LOVES the half he will sit through.

We spent a GLORIOUS afternoon at the park the other week. We were there for hours, friends happened to show up, the weather was perfect, everyone was happy. I loved it.

Things I am Loving Right Now

January was a month full of NOTHING. It was really kind of nice after all the craziness of the holidays. I'll post some pictures in a minute. But here are some of the things that I am feeling really excited about right now:

1. Oatmeal. Not for me, for the boys. They are totally inhaling their oatmeal right now and making my life so much easier. No more wondering what I can get Graham to eat for breakfast--he will eat an entire adult-sized bowl of oatmeal as long as I put a scoop of yogurt in it and a big bunch of frozen blueberries. They both LOVE the oatmeal with blueberries in it and I am feeling like a huge winner in getting them to eat a healthy breakfast every day. I, of course, refuse to eat oatmeal and eat some cereal or a bagel after they've finished their oatmeal.

2. Audiobooks. I spent the five minutes it took to figure out how to download e-audiobooks from the library to my iPhone and it is amazing. I've listened to five books already this year, books that I'd meant to read for YEARS and never gotten around to. There just isn't always tons of time to sit down and read, but I have SO MUCH TIME that I can listen to stuff while doing other things (like exercising, doing dishes, sewing). Our library has an excellent selection of e-audiobooks so I think this system will work for a long time without me having to pay for anything. Hooray!

3. Nesting. I am totally excited about getting our house in order before the baby comes, and this involves buying lots of stuff and actually trying to decorate, which I never do. I'm even sewing!! I pulled out my sewing machine, which I hadn't used since we lived in North Carolina (I'm pretty sure), and it didn't work any more (it was an ancient hand-me-down from a friend there), so I used an Amazon gift card to order a new one and I sewed some new curtains for the baby's room. I've realized there is just something so satisfying about making something (even bean bags, which I also made). I would love to make sewing a more regular thing, but let's be honest, it probably won't. But it's nice to do every once in a while. And the baby's room/guest room is starting to come together, more than just being a mattress on the floor, which it has been for the last year, and so is our room--the two rooms I'm focusing on decorating right now. 

4. Texas weather. I LOVE YOU IN JANUARY, Texas. These temperatures are right up my alley--sixties and low seventies most days, sometimes colder, but not freezing. It's always windy and sometimes that makes things too cold, but there are always at least one or two days a week where we can go to the park (unlike the summer, when it's always just. too. hot). I love being outside and not sweating. 

5. Joy School. We had some drama with Joy School with one mom pulling out for the rest of the year, but the whole issue made me realize how glad I am that we have done Joy School this year and how much fun it has been for Dane. He loves it, loves getting so much time with friends. Yesterday after his friends got picked up, Dane looked sad and then came into my room five minutes later and just burst into tears--crying because he wanted more time with his friends. Also, the silver lining about losing our fourth kid from Joy School is that it's much easier to manage three kids than just four, and they don't seem to notice! I'm also excited because I found a preschool for Dane that I am feeling good about and we are really looking forward to for next year. It'll just be two mornings a week, basically like Joy School, but he is totally going to love it--and his two Joy School buddies are doing the same one as well. 

6. Graham learning letters. He doesn't talk very much--he uses a lot of sign language to get around and just figured out how to nod for yes or shake his head for no, which takes him pretty far. He seriously probably says 20 words total (including, randomly, "pool" and "trash truck"--but he can't tell me when he's hungry). But somehow he has taught himself some letters. He knows B, O, D, and S and will point them out any time he sees them. It's so cute to hear him say "B! B!" when looking at a sign or at writing on my shirt. I don't know how he learned them. He's basically a non-communicative, shrieking genius. Ha.

7. Doctor's appointments. JUST KIDDING I am not loving those--but if you looked at our calendar you would think that I really did. It seems like we have 1-2 a week, between my constant OB/endocrinologist appointments and then our random dentist appointments and the boys constantly getting sick. I told Tommy that at this rate we are going to use up our FSA money just on co-pays for doctor's visits, not even counting the hospital bill we will get for the baby. I am trying to take the boys with me to as few doctor's appointments as I can, but I feel guilty asking friends to watch them so many times a week.

8. Clean carpets. We rented a carpet cleaner over the weekend and IT WAS AMAZING. I can't stop staring at our carpets and admiring them.

9. A month of no sugar. Ha--just kidding. We intended to do that, but turned out we had a hard time turning down amazing peanut butter cookies that someone brought to our house. So we ended up doing no sugar/desserts for the week and allowing ourselves to indulge on the weekends. That is super lame of us (comparatively), but we had been eating SO BADLY for the last month (or five) with so much dessert in the house at Christmastime that I actually felt really, really proud of myself for having the willpower to withstand desserts for any length of time at all. For a really long time I have been unable to resist having a dessert every. single. evening--and not just a small dessert, but a huge bowl of ice cream, for example. So I am happy to be a little more in control and not overdoing it any more. Of course, this habit will definitely fall by the wayside after the baby comes.

10. Baby's names. Just kidding. Naming babies is the worst thing ever and it stresses me out. The end.