Mothering

When I teach my English classes, one of the main goals I have as a teacher is to get my students to slow down and think about what they are writing, to take the time to actually revise their work and decide whether they really wanted to use this word, or if they are making their point clearly enough here. I remember all too clearly when I was in high school or early on in college, just filling up whole paragraphs with empty sentences that sounded good but didn't actually mean anything. You get so good at knowing what "sounds" like academic writing that you just fill up the page to get to the page limit and never actually make any points. And a lot of times you can get away with that because your teacher doesn't care or isn't reading your paper closely enough. But I try to give them some examples and discussion and evidence about what professional writers do in their writing, and how when they write a book or an essay or an article, they don't put a single word in there that isn't chosen specifically for that place. They deliberate and revise and rework every paragraph, every phrase, every word. They are focused and deliberate writers making conscious decisions to communicate their purpose instead of just allowing themselves to get caught up in their own smart-sounding language and filling up their paper with empty words. 

I have thought a lot about trying to teach my students that in writing classes. But I've lately been thinking a lot about that principle in regards to being a mother. True writers aren't just writing down words--they are CHOOSING the best words for what they want to say. Being a "deliberate mother" is doing the same thing--not just reacting to whatever life and your kids throw at you, but choosing what you want to teach your kids and spending your time and energy on purposeful things that keep yourself and your kids sane and happy.

I don't feel like I've always been very good at that. For a long time--maybe the first few years of Dane's life--I felt like I was killing time a lot. Every week was a blank slate with nothing to do and we would just try to fill it up with anything free that I could think of. When we would be stuck at home with nothing to do I would feel like I was suffocating and so bored and just drained at the end of the day. And guess what? That is almost all exactly the same still. Our weeks are still pretty empty and I'm still scrambling to find things for us to do most of the time. But my attitude has changed. I no longer feel like I'm always just killing time and just waiting around to be relieved by Tommy when he comes home. 

Now that Dane is older, communicates so well, and learning/absorbing everything I throw at him, I all of a sudden can see how important being a mom is. How important my being here with him is. How I am teaching him everything about life, even without actively trying to do anything. We have been doing a little bit of "preschool" time in the mornings, which has been fun and valuable, but I don't even think that is all that important for me to be doing with him--not as much as the other life lessons he is gaining from me about how we should treat other people, how we should prioritize our time, how we feel about ourselves, and what our family values and what qualities I want him to have. Every conversation we have I'm teaching him something, even just through my tone of voice. This can be an immense pressure, since of course I screw up and get mad unfairly or lose my patience multiple times each day (some days more than others). But on the whole, I would far, far rather be the one instilling these lessons in him (and Graham) than someone else.

Good moms take their kids to eat at Chick-fil-A as much as possible. 

I have thought a lot lately about this, and I feel like my belief in the importance of mothering has grown significantly. I am trying to raise these boys to be the best that they can be--independent, smart, hard-working, and KIND. And I think I can do it--through making those deliberate, conscious sort of choices that I encourage my writing students to make. Tommy and I have been talking about specific skills and qualities we want to be teaching them--and if we talk about it, then we can actually set a goal and work on it together! I know I want to encourage Dane to love reading--so I will set aside specific times to read with him. I know I don't want him to be attached to technology or think that that is a really important thing in our home--so I will consciously choose to not spend as much time on the computer wasting time. (I have watched significantly less Netflix the last few months, and I have felt amazing.) I want my kids to have a testimony of the scriptures, so I will make scripture reading a part of our bedtime routine and even a part of our preschool routine. A lot of these sorts of goals take me just a small amount of planning and goal-setting at first, and then a small amount of effort afterwards, with great rewards of all of us in our family being happier and feeling more connected to each other. If I am sticking to these most important goals, then a lot of the other things--the lesser pressures to make perfect meals, never let them watch TV, monitor sweet consumption--become less important because I know we are making good choices overall.* I have the ability to control how I react to things, or how I fill up the page of our family.

I think being a mom--or a dad--is so, so important. My feelings about it have changed and grown significantly over the almost-four years I have been a mom. I love doing this and although it can be so, so hard and draining and demanding, I have learned and grown so much. If I look back to what I was doing three years ago, I can see very clearly how I have become better and more patient and more focused and less prideful--and I can only imagine that is a process that will only continue as we have more kids and they get older.




*I think an important caveat to make is that there are times and seasons to everything. There are whole months of life where I cannot be deliberate or purposeful or really do anything productive at all--like the early months of pregnancy when I am throwing up all day, or the first six months after having a baby when I am stretched thin. But when things are normal, this will be my goal.

A few resources that got me thinking about this and have inspired me:
A Joyful Mother of Children by Linda Eyre
How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton M. Christensen
Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner: Personal Reflections of a Mother of Twelve by Jaroldeen Edwards
www.powerofmoms.com

Reading with my boys

I have been thinking lately how much I love, love, love reading books with my boys. There are some "good mom" things that I don't like doing. Like, I don't really love "playing" with them--sitting and pushing a train around the train tracks for hours is just draining for me. And I'm not great at pretending or playing long extended games of hide and seek or telling really good bedtime stories--those are daddy's specialties. But oh, I love reading with them. It warms my heart to see how they both gravitate towards books so easily. Graham loves to crawl/walk over to the book basket in the corner and drag a book over to us to read to him--at least fifteen times a day. And as long as I'm not making dinner, I am always so happy to stop what I'm doing to read to him--because I just love that he loves to read with me. I sometimes get tired of the same books over and over again, but we keep a pretty good rotation going at the library, I get recommendations for books from a few websites and places, and when I get tired I just take them back to the library and we check out a whole new set of books.

But lately, the thing that has really been making me happy is reading chapter books aloud with Dane. He has really good reading comprehension (or listening comprehension) and he listens to Tommy's long, complicated bedtime stories with total delight. So I figured he may not need books with tons of pictures--and that he could handle a longer and more complicated plot that isn't resolved in a few minutes. I looked up what are some good chapter books to read aloud and we have been reading The Children of Noisy Village together, by the author of Pippi Longstocking, and I. Am. Just. Loving. It. Dane listens so happily and remembers everything we read the previous days and giggles at the funny parts, and it's such a cute story and reminds me so much of the books I read and loved as a kid. The chapters are very short and sweet and it just tells the story of these kids and their little adventures. Starting to read chapter books just opens up a WHOLE NEW WORLD of reading for us, and I just keep thinking of all the books I want to read with him! The Boxcar Children! Little House on the Prairie! Mary Poppins! Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle! Oh, man, the possibilities are endless. Obviously he's not ready for all of those but someday soon he will be. And I am just so looking forward to continuing reading with him, and with Graham. I hope that they continue to love to read this much as they get older. And I hope that I am able to continue to give them the time to help them and future kids learn to love reading.

Andddd.... we have walking!

Seriously. Is there anything as cute as a newly toddling one-year-old? I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT. I want to just watch him walk around all day long.

Murphy family reunion

It seems weird to call it a "Murphy family reunion," because that's what we call it when we get together with all the Murphys on my dad's side of the family--but I guess that's what this was! Just a Blake and Dana Murphy family reunion. My mom and dad got us some suites at the Newport Beach Marriott Villas, just 1/4 mile up the road from Crystal Cove in Newport Beach. It was fantastic. We all decided it was totally necessary that we get away from the house, so that everyone (mostly my mom) could relax and not think about packing, moving, writing a talk, learning Spanish, or all the other things they had to do. We were at the hotel from Thursday-Tuesday over Memorial Day weekend. The college kids and Tommy all flew in on Thursday night and that meant the party was ready to start. 

This was a HUGE weekend for our family. Bethany turned 18 on Sunday, and had her birthday party on Friday. Cole had his Eagle Scout Court of Honor. My parents (and Cole) had their farewell at church, which meant they were all writing talks and getting ready for that--and we had a brunch at the house the morning of the farewell for all the family that came into town. So there was a lot of planning that needed to be done! But it ended up going really smoothly and was a lot of fun for everyone. We spent a lot of time at the beach and swimming at the pool at the hotel, and we did some family volleyball and basketball at the hotel as well. In the evenings we played games and watched old family home videos of Bethany and Dallin as babies. It was a lot of fun to be together.

One thing I really wanted to do was to have a long day at the beach. Dane had never really been to the beach longer than just a few hours, because we were always going home for naptime. But he was at the beach for maybe eight hours on Friday, as we were preparing for Bethany's beach bonfire birthday party. He was a very, very happy and very, very tired boy by the time we got back to the hotel.

This boy LOVED the beach. He didn't care at all that the water was totally freezing--he wanted to walk right out into it. All day long.

This may be our Christmas card! One of those accidentally perfect pictures!

These two babies together--so cute.

Shane and Kiley came and met us at the beach, and stayed for the pizza and bonfire. Jaxon and Dane roasted marshmallows together.

Dane was so tired by this point he almost couldn't keep his eyes open.

Glad we got to see the HB Leiningers a few times while we were there!

The next morning we went to Crystal Cove beach and tried to see the tide pools. They ended up being not very exciting or interesting at all. But it was a nice walk on the beach anyways.

Dane REALLY loves Austin and Bethany. Bethany taught him how to make his hand like Spiderman's and he spent the whole trip doing that.

Then later in the afternoon, we headed back over to the beach to play some more. Graham spent a long time sitting in a pit right by the water, digging in the sand and getting covered in water. He LOVED it.

Then we went and ate at the Shake Shack--which Tommy and I have never done together. How can that be? It was delicious.

Dallin's a buddy too.

Sunday was a good day. Good job for Cole getting his Eagle--surrounded by all the other Eagles in the family.

The Eagle's Nest.

And we tried our best to take some family pictures before people had to start leaving--and we did get some good ones.

This one may also be a Christmas card winner.

We went up to Bethany and Cole's school to say good-bye to them before we took off on Tuesday.

Graham was very sad to say good-bye.

And then we went to the airport and flew home. I don't have pictures of saying good-bye at the airport, but we did take some. It was a really excellent weekend with everyone--not even because of what we did, but because we were all together. I am so grateful to have such a great family! And grateful that we all enjoy spending time together.

Last trip to Irvine

So, my mom and dad are moving to Ecuador. If this sounds strange to you, that is correct. They are going to serve a mission for our church for the next three years. It was pretty unexpected, because they didn't apply to do it; they were asked by the leaders of our church to be mission presidents down there. (A mission president is the leader who is in charge of all the young, stereotypical Mormon missionaries that you have probably had knock on your door sometime, or seen in the streets. The mission president makes sure they are following the rules, that they are housed and provided with the money they need, that they are safe and healthy, etc.) My parents got a phone call back in October asking if they would talk to Elder Renlund, one of the apostles of the LDS church. He asked them a lot of questions about their situation in life, their kids, and their abilities to pick up and leave. Then a few weeks later, they had another phone call with President Uchtdorf, one of the First Presidency of our church, who officially asked them if they would serve as mission presidents. And a few weeks after that, they finally found out where they were going. 

Ecuador is not a place I have ever thought much about. The only thing I knew about it was that the equator runs through it! I actually thought it was in Central America when they first read their mission call. But now we know we are going to go visit Ecuador at some point in the next three years. We will be able to call and Skype with my parents as much as they are able, and we can visit them as much as our finances/time allow. But they won't be able to come back to the US (although my mom can come back for weddings of immediate family), so we won't see them as much as we are used to. So that is why we have been in California so much the last few months (we were there in December, February, and now May). They are officially moving out of their house in a few weeks and going to Ecuador at the end of the month. 

We are going to miss them, and at first after we heard the news, I really felt shaken up about them leaving. I felt a little bit cheated, because I want to be able to have access to my parents whenever I want them! I want to be able to call my mom for help when I'm frustrated or need advice on a sick baby, and I especially want my mom to come when we have our next baby (which will happen at some point while they are gone). But really, my life is the one that is least affected out of everyone in our family by this news--since I have a family and house of my own--and the last few months have been humbling (in reminding me that I am not as independent as I thought I was) and strengthening (in helping me to realize that I am strong and capable and can handle them being in South America for three years). I know they are going to be doing good things there. They will be serving and counseling the missionaries they are in charge of, but they will also be serving and helping the people of Ecuador, many of whom are in desperate need of help especially after all the recent earthquakes. It is a HUGE leap of faith for anyone to accept a call like this, particularly when they will be bringing Cole with them to Ecuador and leaving five college-aged and grown-up children behind in the US (plus their three grandchildren). It has been a great learning experience for me to see how they have handled this challenge and how they have accepted this opportunity for growth so willingly.

SO, keeping all this in mind, we knew this was going to be our last trip to Irvine for the next three years. We had to do as much with my family while we were there while checking off our California bucket list at the same time. My mom and dad wanted all of us to come out for Memorial Day weekend so we could do a mini-family reunion with all six kids together before they left, and I bought my tickets to come out a week earlier than everyone else so that I could help my mom with packing and cleaning the house and getting ready to ship a huge pile of stuff to Ecuador and store everything else. So we spent basically the whole week before everyone else came just working, packing, organizing, tossing, and cleaning. We took four carloads of stuff to Goodwill within 24 hours, and filled up the trash and recycling bins to overflowing (and then had maybe six extra bags of trash we took to the church dumpster). We also sorted through maybe 1000 pictures and put them in order by year. We also had to plan Cole's Eagle Scout Court of Honor, my parents' Farewell brunch, Bethany's 18th birthday party and her actual birthday day, and the whole reunion at the beach with the family. It was a LOT of work! But I am all about packing and organizing and decluttering, so it was pretty fun for me. And Dane and Graham were very good about napping and watching shows and occasionally doing fun stuff while we were there.

And now for some pictures, after that monologue:

I don't know why nobody wants to sit by me on the airplane! I LOVE flying Southwest right now because I always get the ONE empty seat on the flight by sitting Graham in it and pretending it's taken. 

We were very happy to have Papa and Grandma meet us at the airport.

We immediately had to go to Grandma's sand park once Cole and Bethany got home from school! (The sand park is Dane's favorite place in California. He seriously liked it more than he did Disneyland last time we were there. It is not worth paying a lot to go somewhere when he is thrilled to just walk down the street to the park.)

Okay, this is cute.

Dane's a great multi-tasker.

We of course had to go ride the train at Irvine Regional Park while we were there!

That tongue always sticking out...

We got Yogurtland frozen yogurt I think three times. We had to take advantage! We will MISS Yogurtland.

Graham's a big helper with the piano.

I was so happy we got to go see Bethany go to prom. She looked beautiful and so happy to be going! She went with just a bunch of her friends and had a great time.

We tried to get Dane to take some pictures looking like her date.

My mom said, "Kiss Bethany's hand!" and this is what Dane thought she meant. Bethany looks so cute!

Graham really thinks he's bigger than he is.

So spoiled getting read to and entertained by grandparents and aunts and uncles all week.

The boys were being crazy one day so I went to Target with them. Even the buckles on the cart don't contain Graham.

Cora came on Monday! So fun to have a little cousin there. Graham and Cora are only 2 weeks apart.

Everyone loves the trash truck.

Again, always at attention for the trash truck.

I got to go to Cole's end-of-the-year choir concert at the high school. I thought I should take a picture for my memories at the old stomping grounds. The school looks basically the same, but I could not be more different than I was when I went there. It's so nice to have chances to look back and see how much you've grown. And it was really fun to see Cole's choir concert and our teacher, Mr. Halop--who has taught all six Murphy kids in high school (the only teacher to ever do so). He lived up to all his old tricks from when I was there 10 years ago.

Babies in jammies--what could be better?

Graham wouldn't eat his own food, but he would steal it from Cora.

Another day, another trip to Costco. We had to stock up on chocolate covered almonds for the visit.

Graham's face when he saw the hot dogs coming for lunch.

Graham stole Cora's sippy cup and they were passing it back and forth.

Our last night of Yogurtland. WE LOVE YOU YOGURTLAND! (Funny that it wasn't even there when I lived in Irvine, but I've had it soo so many times since that it feels like such an important place for me to go.)

Dane thought he was living the dream getting to watch his new favorite show, Chuggington, all morning, while Mommy and Grandma cleaned out closets.

We went to the little zoo at Irvine Regional Park with Camille and Brandon.

So cute of Dane.

And I know you'd expect nothing less--we rode the train ONE MORE TIME.

And it was so deserted, we got to sit at the VERY BACK! It was the best train ride ever. Dane was super, super thrilled.

And then the next day we headed over to the beach!