happy anniversary, us

i didn't want to get married.

not that this is a huge surprise to tommy. i was 18 when we met. sure, i turned 19 a few weeks later, but we met the first week of my first year out of the dorms. i spent my time in the dorms involuntarily retching because of the excessive pda in the dj lobby. i was totally disgusted by those girls who got married in the dorms, and equally so by those girls who joined the "waiting for my missionary" groups on facebook--long-term, serious relationships were not my thing. more than that, byu's whole social scene, focused on dating and relationships and all these things that made me uncomfortable, was not my thing. my roommates and i would agonize for hours about the pressure and the ridiculous expectations that people at byu have (and i actually still believe it's ridiculous. different story though). and mostly, i was oh, so terrified of the commitment of being with someone FOR-E-VER. i can't tell you how really scary marriage seemed to me.

even after tommy and i started dating, i refused to pretend like this was actually going anywhere. maybe four months after we'd started dating, i vividly remember telling my dad that i didn't want to get married any time soon, and actually refused to get married while i was still at byu. when tommy brought up marriage for the first time (in november, a good eight months after we'd started dating--a time by which many byu couples are already married), i hid my face and actually refused to talk about it. yeah, real mature, i know. but i REALLY, REALLY didn't want to get married.

we didn't talk about it again for another four months. seriously.

tommy was (of course) 100% patient and never once pushed me on the issue. but by the time i decided that i wanted to marry tommy, i knew i was ready. i wasn't getting married because of the cougar social pressures or because tommy thought we should or for any other reason--i knew that tommy was the right person and it was the right time and i was ready. and it couldn't have happened any earlier or with anybody else. after we got engaged, i never once questioned or wavered or felt any nerves at all. i honestly felt as calm as any other normal day last august 22nd--not because i wasn't excited, but because i wasn't scared. i was ready.

and i will tell you this: all of my fears about marriage? about how hard and scary and totally impossible it is? totally unjustified. getting married was the best decision i ever made, but definitely the biggest leap of faith i have ever taken as well.

and i couldn't be any happier than i am now. this first year of marriage has really been the best. it feels like we've always been married--and i can't wait for more.

okay, stop complaining everyone, i'll post a wedding picture. just to be like every other anniversary blog post ever written.

happy anniversary, us!