where i was from: california

"i was born in sacramento, and lived in california most of my life. i learned to swim in the sacramento and the american, before the dams. i learned to drive on the levees up and downriver from sacramento. yet california has remained in some way impenetrable to me, a wearying enigma, as it has to many of us who are from there. we worry it, correct and revise it, try and fail to define our relationship to it and its relationship to the rest of the country."

-joan didion

i just read where i was from by joan didion, and i wanted to write down some thoughts about it. i've read several of didion's books now--she wrote the book that i wrote the magnum opus of my college experience on (baby's first fifteen-page paper!). i really like her minimalist writing style and (excuse the cliche) the depth of her ideas. i'd never even heard of this one, except when i was at border's and bought several too many books, i randomly picked this one up and saw her name on the cover, so i threw it in my basket. it was interesting--thought-provoking, if not amazing--and on a topic i've thought a lot about for a long time: california, and what california means. this book (and this blog post) would be probably boring to those of you who aren't from california, but it was fascinating to me.

i won't tell you all the stories didion shares or explain the conclusions she comes to. i just loved that didion wrote this book, as she said, attempting to resolve the inconsistencies, discrepancies, and provocations in california's image and history and ideals. of course, she goes a lot deeper than my thoughts ever have; for example, she talks about how californians imagine that they're so self-sufficient and pioneering and original, but california has historically relied on more than their fair share of federal government handouts.

but what has always really caught my imagination and made me question my home state is the contradiction between its image and its reality. i still think of myself as a californian, even though i moved away from there five years ago and there's not much chance of us moving back there any time soon or ever. ever since moving away from california, to utah and then to north carolina, i've gotten reactions from people when i say i'm from california, from orange county, of all places. the positive reactions: "cool!" "i'm so jealous!" "do you spend all your time at the beach?" and the negative: "just like everyone else" (and the other thoughts they keep inside--judging all californians as being shallow and worldly and all those other negative traits). very few other places get such visceral and strong reactions as california (other than texas, maybe). these reactions--and my own reactions to the other californians i've met outside of california--have made me start to think.

on the one hand, i can see why people think california is all just "cali". look at the media--i was in high school when shows like the o.c. and laguna beach and real housewives of orange county began and became countrywide phenomena. it really does look like all we do in southern california is party and lay out at the beach. when people talk about "cali," that's the california they're talking about (let me assure you, real californians do NOT call it "cali").

but then again, on the other hand, i don't get why people think california is cali. because guess what? california is not just the beach. it's not just disneyland. orange county, even, is bigger than the beach and disneyland. living in california is 99% the same as living in any other state. my life in north carolina--my everyday, real life--consists of the same activities and places as it did in california. i go to school. i go to the grocery store. i hang out with friends and i hang out with my family (just tommy here, but same idea). sure, we never had tornadoes trample through irvine, but i don't know when there's last been an earthquake in durham. the beach is twenty minute away, but nobody really spends all their time at the beach. (okay, very few people really spend all their time at the beach.)

but california can't be, isn't, just a place like every other place, as much as i like to act like it is. that's why people think so much about it. those shows, and those people, have turned it into more than the place where i used to live. and i don't like that part of california--the cali part.

my feelings towards california are like those i used to feel towards my siblings when i was living at home: i might complain about them and fight with them, but when outsiders make fun of them, i want to beat them up. it's really just like that. i love california. i hate california. i love californians and i hate californians. it's all mixed up and it all depends on what part of it you're talking about. (but i know i don't love the outsiders who hate [or love] california without really knowing california.)