Mothering

When I teach my English classes, one of the main goals I have as a teacher is to get my students to slow down and think about what they are writing, to take the time to actually revise their work and decide whether they really wanted to use this word, or if they are making their point clearly enough here. I remember all too clearly when I was in high school or early on in college, just filling up whole paragraphs with empty sentences that sounded good but didn't actually mean anything. You get so good at knowing what "sounds" like academic writing that you just fill up the page to get to the page limit and never actually make any points. And a lot of times you can get away with that because your teacher doesn't care or isn't reading your paper closely enough. But I try to give them some examples and discussion and evidence about what professional writers do in their writing, and how when they write a book or an essay or an article, they don't put a single word in there that isn't chosen specifically for that place. They deliberate and revise and rework every paragraph, every phrase, every word. They are focused and deliberate writers making conscious decisions to communicate their purpose instead of just allowing themselves to get caught up in their own smart-sounding language and filling up their paper with empty words. 

I have thought a lot about trying to teach my students that in writing classes. But I've lately been thinking a lot about that principle in regards to being a mother. True writers aren't just writing down words--they are CHOOSING the best words for what they want to say. Being a "deliberate mother" is doing the same thing--not just reacting to whatever life and your kids throw at you, but choosing what you want to teach your kids and spending your time and energy on purposeful things that keep yourself and your kids sane and happy.

I don't feel like I've always been very good at that. For a long time--maybe the first few years of Dane's life--I felt like I was killing time a lot. Every week was a blank slate with nothing to do and we would just try to fill it up with anything free that I could think of. When we would be stuck at home with nothing to do I would feel like I was suffocating and so bored and just drained at the end of the day. And guess what? That is almost all exactly the same still. Our weeks are still pretty empty and I'm still scrambling to find things for us to do most of the time. But my attitude has changed. I no longer feel like I'm always just killing time and just waiting around to be relieved by Tommy when he comes home. 

Now that Dane is older, communicates so well, and learning/absorbing everything I throw at him, I all of a sudden can see how important being a mom is. How important my being here with him is. How I am teaching him everything about life, even without actively trying to do anything. We have been doing a little bit of "preschool" time in the mornings, which has been fun and valuable, but I don't even think that is all that important for me to be doing with him--not as much as the other life lessons he is gaining from me about how we should treat other people, how we should prioritize our time, how we feel about ourselves, and what our family values and what qualities I want him to have. Every conversation we have I'm teaching him something, even just through my tone of voice. This can be an immense pressure, since of course I screw up and get mad unfairly or lose my patience multiple times each day (some days more than others). But on the whole, I would far, far rather be the one instilling these lessons in him (and Graham) than someone else.

Good moms take their kids to eat at Chick-fil-A as much as possible. 

I have thought a lot lately about this, and I feel like my belief in the importance of mothering has grown significantly. I am trying to raise these boys to be the best that they can be--independent, smart, hard-working, and KIND. And I think I can do it--through making those deliberate, conscious sort of choices that I encourage my writing students to make. Tommy and I have been talking about specific skills and qualities we want to be teaching them--and if we talk about it, then we can actually set a goal and work on it together! I know I want to encourage Dane to love reading--so I will set aside specific times to read with him. I know I don't want him to be attached to technology or think that that is a really important thing in our home--so I will consciously choose to not spend as much time on the computer wasting time. (I have watched significantly less Netflix the last few months, and I have felt amazing.) I want my kids to have a testimony of the scriptures, so I will make scripture reading a part of our bedtime routine and even a part of our preschool routine. A lot of these sorts of goals take me just a small amount of planning and goal-setting at first, and then a small amount of effort afterwards, with great rewards of all of us in our family being happier and feeling more connected to each other. If I am sticking to these most important goals, then a lot of the other things--the lesser pressures to make perfect meals, never let them watch TV, monitor sweet consumption--become less important because I know we are making good choices overall.* I have the ability to control how I react to things, or how I fill up the page of our family.

I think being a mom--or a dad--is so, so important. My feelings about it have changed and grown significantly over the almost-four years I have been a mom. I love doing this and although it can be so, so hard and draining and demanding, I have learned and grown so much. If I look back to what I was doing three years ago, I can see very clearly how I have become better and more patient and more focused and less prideful--and I can only imagine that is a process that will only continue as we have more kids and they get older.




*I think an important caveat to make is that there are times and seasons to everything. There are whole months of life where I cannot be deliberate or purposeful or really do anything productive at all--like the early months of pregnancy when I am throwing up all day, or the first six months after having a baby when I am stretched thin. But when things are normal, this will be my goal.

A few resources that got me thinking about this and have inspired me:
A Joyful Mother of Children by Linda Eyre
How Will You Measure Your Life? by Clayton M. Christensen
Things I Wish I'd Known Sooner: Personal Reflections of a Mother of Twelve by Jaroldeen Edwards
www.powerofmoms.com