Working Hard and Parenthood

I have thought a lot lately about hard work. I read a book a few weeks ago about how we need to raise kids to be independent, and most parents these days are doing the opposite of that. They are pampering and babying their children and treating them like they are three-year-olds until they are in college, and even past that, and their children are struggling as a result, both emotionally and physically as they begin to reach adulthood and to have to do things on their own. And one of the things that the author says that she's noticed is that kids are not required or expected to work AT ALL except for doing their schoolwork (and sometimes the parents even end up doing that too). Kids even in high school have never had to do any chores, any self-care, any cleaning up after themselves or even just regular life skills like making themselves food or doing laundry. And then when they move away from home, they are SHOCKED by how they don't know how to do anything and by how hard life is. And because they've never had to do anything hard before, they need their parents even more.

Reading this, it's almost hard to believe, but then it's really not. I totally have seen this mindset--you don't want ANYTHING to get in the way of your kid's grades, so you don't make them do anything other than school. And school is so demanding these days so it's not fair to ask them to do any chores and they don't have time for it anyways. So kids are growing up in this world where everything is catered to them and nothing matters except for getting good grades, and in the small amount of time you're not working on school, you need to be having "quality time" with your parents and making FUN memories with them. There's no such thing as down time or work time.

This is really problematic to me. And the main reason it bugs me so much is because LIFE IS HARD WORK. If you raise your kid to think that the only thing that matters is for them to get good grades and have fun, then five or ten years after they graduate from college, they are going to wonder what they are doing wrong with their lives. No matter what life path they decide to take (unless they become techie millionaires at 27), there is going to be a lot of work involved and A LOT OF LIFE IS NOT THAT FUN. I cannot emphasize that enough. Being an adult kind of stinks. You have to worry about money. You have to decide about health insurance. You have to clean your house and make repairs. You have to call people you don't want to call and ask questions. You have to feed yourself and usually that involves learning how to cook. Nobody can avoid these things.

But there is one place where it is absolutely paramount that you know how to work hard, and that is being a parent. You get such mixed messages about parenting--it's the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world and it's also the hardest time of your life. And honestly, it's BOTH. It is OF COURSE both. How could it not be? There are beautiful and hilarious moments EVERY DAY, but honestly, it's mostly a lot of nitty-gritty, teeth-grinding long hours and days. Long meals trying to force food down your picky eater's throat, long LONG nights getting your kids bathed and ready for bed. When you have kids, you sign on to take a helpless blob and help it grow into a full-fledged person. There's presumably going to be a whole lot of sleepless nights, tear-filled days, and whole months where you can't remember what you did every day. And the best thing is--you are doing all of the above-listed "grown-up" tasks on top of the parenting duties of waking up twelve times a night, feeding the kids, dealing with their tantrums and struggles, and oh, just helping them become well-rounded, fulfilled and happy individuals. Being a parent is just flat-out HARD. 

This is why hard work is important. If people are raising their kids to be unaccustomed to hard work, these kids are never going to want to have kids of their own. And if they do have kids, they are going to be overwhelmed after having their first one and not going to be able to handle any more. I hear a lot that moms say things like, "Oh, I am DONE having kids. No way am I having any more"--like having kids is this punishment that they're weaseling their way out of! It doesn't matter how many kids you have--whether 1 or 8, whatever you can handle, and every family has specific issues and needs that only the parents know--but it seems to me that we should NEVER talk about our kids in such a negative light and that we shouldn't be afraid of having kids just because it's hard work. OF COURSE it's hard work. It's the whole reason we are here. It is what stretches us to become more compassionate, loving, BIGGER people. 

I am trying to teach Dane that it's okay to work hard and to have to struggle with things. He now says things like, "I'm working really hard. It's hard work!" when he's pushing to buckle his carseat buckles and is extra proud of himself when he finally accomplishes it. I want him to be able to work hard. More than almost anything else, I think that the quality of being able to work hard will help you to be successful, and more than that, HAPPY, in life. 

I'm lucky to have been raised in a house where working hard was practically The Gospel. Thank you to all of my grandparents for instilling in my parents and us kids the importance of work. These two boys are some really hard work some days, but I can do it. I am a hard worker. I'm in it for the long haul.