1. If you drive in the fast lane and drive at or below the speed limit, and have a long line of impatient cars stuck waiting behind you, the Giant Magnet of Death will pick up your car and deposit it on the side of the road.
2. If you leave your blinker on for miles without noticing it, your license will be revoked.
3. Pedestrians are allowed to either jaywalk intelligently or cross at the crosswalk while the walk sign is on. Stupid jaywalkers are banned.
4. No persons of any age or social class will be allowed to pay with a check at any place where a debit card may suffice.
5. All baby names will be subjected to the Baby Name Review Board before being assigned to a child. The Baby Name Review Board will be headed by me. All stupid names will be rejected.
6. Email forwards no longer exist.
7. Smoking in ALL public areas is banned.
8. Guns are banned. All people who own guns can move to Texas and secede from the United States.
9. Celebrity magazines that have stories about reality TV celebrities that I've never heard of are banned.
10. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are banished.
11. Checked bags are once again free of charge, and airplane flights are half-priced forevermore.
12. All people who write anything, ever, will be forced to take basic grammar tests before they are allowed to use a computer. Anyone who cannot tell the difference between you're/your and their/they're/there are banished.
13. All Facebook users who post about political topics will immediately have their accounts deleted forever.
14. People who use British spellings without actually being British are not allowed.
15. Hashtags (except when used in their proper Twitter function ONLY) and emoticons are abolished. (example: :( #becausetheyarestupid).
16. The Mommy Wars are over. So are endless feuds between Democrats and Republicans. All people will be able to talk about these issues intelligently and compassionately.
17. Grocery store wheelchair carts are only allowed to be used by people with legitimate disabilities. People who use them because they are obese must use regular carts.
18. Cowboy hats are banned. So are those stupid little lap dogs that women carry in their purses.
19. All fruits will always be delicious and in season all year round, particularly peaches.
20. Shipping and handling will always be included in the price of the online item being purchased, so that it's not a surprise when you're buying at the end.
21. Apple is not allowed to release any new operating systems for five years.
(Inspired by Bill Bryson's "Rules for Living" from I'm a Stranger Here Myself)
3 comments:
so you basically want to take over the world?
22. Prices listed at grocery stores, restaurants, everywhere will now include tax.
If someone is driving slow, and then speeds up so that nobody can pass them, then slows down again, their car will be propelled by the giant Catapult of Death.
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